As a professional level fitness competitor and psychotherapist combined, I have come across many men and women who struggle with Body Dysmorphia, a distorted self-perception of the shape or condition of their body that creates anxiety in different ways. Similarly, what My Friend Violet is calling “Sexual Dysmorphia” is a distorted self-perception about one’s sexiness that interferes with freely experiencing sex, how someone engages emotional and physically otherwise, wearing some clothing styles, and even someone’s posture. Hundreds of women shared that they always keep the lights off during sex, won’t get in certain positions, don’t engage in flirtatious foreplay emotionally or physically, and have “given up” with how they dress for the day or even a date because they believe they are just not sexy.
Here are some of the reasons why women feel they lack sexiness:
“After having kids, my body isn’t mine anymore that way”.
“I’ve got saggy boobs, a cheesy butt, and not sure I can see my vagina beneath my belly…sexy? Not”.
“My boyfriend told me I’m too dry down there…and sex isn’t comfortable so I just don’t think I am a sexy person”.
“I just don’t feel good enough in bed to consider myself sexy”.
“I’ve never had an orgasm in my life…that’s just not sexy”.
Sexual Dysmorphia, like Body Dysmorphia, is created through the emotional lenses of insecurity, perfectionism, and anxiety. The impact is an inhibition not only in the bedroom but EVERY room you walk into! Yes, sexiness isn’t always about having sex. Sexiness is a sensuality. Sensuality is an energy source that allows us to experience life fully. Sensuality enhances pleasure and allows us to engage with our whole selfves well. When we are sensual, we have a willingness and confidence combined that creates a feeling of sexiness when in a romantic or sexy situation. When women don’t feel sexy, the first step to developing their sexiness is to focus on sensuality in other parts of life.
Here are some starting points to breaking down the barriers of Sexual Dysmorphia:
- Take “mindful eating” into the sensual zone. Instead of just noticing how your food feels, smells, and tastes, allow yourself to thoroughy enjoy it with your tongue and sense of smell. Go slow. “Make out” with your sandwich…lol…not lol. For real.
- Dance in the privacy of your own room. Yes…no one’s looking. Put on your favorite songs and let yourself move to them. Find your groove and let yourself feel groovy in it.
- Smell Sensual. Wear the scent of the gender you find sexy and you will move differently. It’s true. Science has always shown us that our sense of smell has a most profound influence on our thoughts and feelings. A secret to arousing our sensual brain is to smell a cologne or perfume (depending on if we are attracted to men or women) that we find desirable on a sex partner. Truth be told, when I have used Dior Light Blue (for men because I like men) I walk around feeling slightly turned on all day.
Sensual energy builds mental and physical confidence. My Friend Violet knows that confidence is the #1 factor in the sexiness quotient. Once you can tap into sensuality, the next step is using it before and during sexual encounters. Check out other articles on body confidence and how to redefine “sexy”.